Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
