Can i not drive my cunt home
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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