He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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