I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
