I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
