Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
