i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Randomize
