happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
