did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I think my fart just growled at me.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
She made me pour olive oil on her.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
