My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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