i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
