I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
