Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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