Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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