It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
You may now shotgun with the bride
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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