is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Randomize
