My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
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i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
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Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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