I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
