Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
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So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
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I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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