Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
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