we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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