I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
My dick has a subreddit
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
