yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Randomize
