Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
