Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
