just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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