dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
