Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
