If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Come see our sink grown plant.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Randomize
