just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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