you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
