I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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