If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
