I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
