I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
