I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
