I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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