I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
