WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
