Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
