He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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