I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
