If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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