Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
