I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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