Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
