I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
