I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
