oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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