Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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