Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
