I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
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shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
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I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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