Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
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You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
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Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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