he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
