i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
