i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
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