So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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