My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
