I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
